Who is Captain Peabody?

 “Alright, men: let’s mooooooove out.”

These iconic words were spoken by Captain Bob “Captain Peabody” Peabody on June 4th, 1945 at 8:23 AM, just one week before the Battle of the Gory, Gut-Wrenching, Brain-Searing, Intestine-Spewing, Blood-Burning, Stomach-Churning Death. 

Photograph usually identified as Captain Peabody during his mission deep into enemy territory in 1945; may be misidentified (colorized)

These words were then spoken again on a number of other occasions, probably four or five times a day or however often his troops had to move out, until the fateful day when everyone in the battle died except for Captain Peabody, who survived.

One of the few surviving photos of Captain Peabody’s many inspirational talks at schools across the nation (1945-1955, colorized)

In the following years, following his Presumably Honorable Discharge from the United States or Possibly Claymatian Armed Forces, Captain Peabody embarked on a remarkable second career as an inspirational speaker, writer, life coach, and tax-deductible charity, giving thousands of talks to dozens of small children forced by their teachers to listen to him. 

Security camera footage alleged to show Captain Peabody’s final, presumably heroic moments (1955)

Sadly, this inspiring career and also life tragically ended in tragedy when, on April 14th, 1955 at 9 AM, a probably Communist-inspired suicide bombing at Elemen Tree’s School in Fort Pine, Indiana prematurely ended Captain Peabody’s talk, as well as killing him. Even in his last moments, however, we presume that Captain Peabody heroically saved a bunch of children, though not himself.

Ever since then, Captain Peabody’s legacy has endured to inspire generations of thrill-seekers, tomb-raiders, treasure-hunters, time-travelers, and probably also children. 

A screen capture from the 2003 MTV music video megahit showing the Captain-Peabody-esque body that sparked the craze

In the year 2003, a bloody corpse resembling Captain Peabody’s was featured prominently in the music video for Speak the Hungarian Rapper’s international dance-craze mega-hit “Stop the War,” inspiring a global revival of Captain-Peabody-Mania. 

Rare surviving Captain Peabody coffee mug (manufactured 2003)

During the week of March 12, 2003, Captain Peabody-branded coffee mugs briefly reached the #1 position for product sales by volume in the “branded coffee mug” category for all Wal-Mart Superstores in the Upper Midwestern United States and/or Claymatia.

Plans to produce a Captain-Peabody-themed Happy Meal for McDonalds, however, were ultimately shelved after the release of forged papers featuring spurious allegations of alleged mismanagement of purported military funds during Captain Peabody’s time in Laos in 1943. Though later vindicated by history itself, sales of Captain-Peabody-themed merchandise plummeted, leaving surviving items as rare, sought-after collector’s items. 

Photo posted by the Anti-Tin Man League’s Facebook page on January 3rd, 2003 at 2:23 AM CST, allegedly showing the purported Captain Peabody clone supposedly commanding paramilitary forces

Also in 2003, press reports suggested that a clone of Captain Peabody might be serving as a commander of the so-called Anti-Tin-Man League, a racist paramilitary organization engaging in guerrilla warfare in the jungles of Southern Claymatia. 

According to an unreleased script for an unpublished text-based adventure game ultimately rejected by Videlectrix Computer Gaming, Inc, this clone was created by Doctor Bob “Vladmir” Evil, PhD, the recipient of the 1998 Epstein Prize for Cloning and Cybernetic Excellence, as part of a proposed line of Peabody-inspired supersoldiers, which was sadly discontinued. All other information is apparently classified.

Rumors that the original Captain Peabody is in fact alive and/or has been cryogenically frozen in a block of ice and stored at an undisclosed government location are merely rumors, not facts. I certainly wouldn’t know anything about that.

I have no idea what’s going on in this picture or why it’s here

While Captain Peabody may be presumed dead, this blog is very much alive, reposting precious material from the scattered papers found in and/or in the vicinity of the presumed former location of Captain Peabody’s office and/or home and/or bar. 

As loyal adherents of the Captain Peabody Movement, it is our hope to encourage a revival in Captain Peabody studies and/or merchandising, and, ultimately, to produce an edited scholarly multi-volume series of his Collected Works along with various other branded products. 

Please join us! And stay tuned for further licensing opportunities!