The Trial of Donald J. Trump
[Given the strong interest in the media right now about the possibility of a trial of former President Donald J. Trump, I thought people would be interested in the contents of a holographic tape recently uncovered by archeologists digging in the future ruins of Philadelphia. As you can see, it purports to be a record of Trump's upcoming trial. Given the oddities of the events portrayed, however, it is likely that it in fact contains a later reproduction or dramatization of the original event, dating from as late as a century afterward--perhaps in the form of a school play, or some sort of fertility ritual. While the accuracy of this record and its meaning cannot be deduced with accuracy, it undoubtedly was considered an important document by the future culture that produced it, and is thus relevant to scholars for that reason alone.
Please note that the below written transcript of the original holographic record was created by AI, and may contain errors and other artifacts. Viewer discretion is advised.]
A room, completely dark. Suddenly, a single shaft of red light rises, piercing the darkness, revealing a dais on which three draped figures sit.
Judges (in unison): When shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?
A red light goes up under the face of the first judge. It is LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA, in full costume as Alexander Hamilton.
Judge Miranda: How do a bastard, an orphan, and the son of a whore grow up to be judges?
The light goes up under the face of the second judge. It is Hollywood Actor ROBERT DOWNEY, JR, dressed in his Iron Man suit.
Judge Downey, Jr: We're sort of like a team.
The third judge is revealed as OPRAH WINFREY; she is the only one of the three wearing judicial robes, and a powdered wig.
Judge Winfrey: Surround yourself only with people who are going to take you higher.
Small yellow lights like stars come up overhead, revealing that the trial is being held in a massive theater with an arched gothic ceiling and red velvet seats. Most of the stage is still dark, but a red curtain can just be made out at the back. The audience goes wild, cheering and applauding and screaming, encouraged by the judges, who wave their hands wildly in answer.
Judge Miranda (enthusiastically): Look around, look around!
Judge Downey, Jr (firmly): It’s not about how much we lost, it’s about how much we have left. We’re the Avengers. We gotta finish this.
Judge Winfrey silences the two men with a wave of her hand. She stands.
Judge Winfrey (severely): Youth, with its enthusiasms, which rebels against any accepted norm because it must: we sympathise. It may wear flowers in its hair, bells on its toes. But when the common good is threatened, when the function of society is endangered, such revolts must cease. They are non-productive...and must be abolished!
Advocate for the prosecution, please make your opening argument.
A single white spotlight goes on, revealing the prosecutor's table, where an impeccably well-dressed CHARACTER ACTOR SAMUEL WATERSON PLAYING A LAWYER sits alone. He slowly rises to his feet, to applause from the audience.
Lawyer: Gentlemen and ladies of the jury...we are gathered together here today because norms in a democracy are only as good as our willingness to enforce them. Trump’s presidency didn’t just expose glaring legal weaknesses: it also made clear that our institutions are incapable of holding presidents accountable for breaking even our existing laws. If Congress had played the role the Founders envisioned, by removing Trump from the presidency after his criminality became clear in the Ukraine affair, that might have been enough of a deterrent to scare future presidents straight. But lawmakers didn’t. So now there is only one way left to restore deterrence and convey to future presidents that the rule of law applies to them. The Justice Department must abandon two centuries of tradition by indicting and prosecuting Donald Trump for his conduct in office. That’s not a recommendation made lightly. The longstanding reluctance to prosecute former leaders is based on legitimate concerns about the justice system being used to settle political scores.The reluctance to prosecute presidents is deep-rooted, and extreme caution does make sense. But it cannot be the case that there is no line--no hypothetical act of presidential criminality that would not rise to the level of seriousness that merits setting aside our qualms. And if one accepts that there is a line, it’s hard to imagine Donald Trump didn’t cross it. The events of Jan. 6, and those that led up to them, were an extreme abuse of power that few ever imagined a president would commit. A commander in chief tried his very best to subvert democracy. He attacked his own country. Five people died. Allowing him to go unpunished would set a far more dangerous precedent than having Trump stand trial. To reform the presidency so that the last four years are never repeated, the country must go beyond passing laws: it must make clear through its actions that no person, not even the president, is above them.
The Spotlight shifts to the JURY STAND, where six people wearing white fall-out suits and white and black face-paint are watching impassively. One of them stands and applauds, then is pulled back down by his fellows' white-gloved hands.
Judge Downey, Jr (tearfully): And now, I’m a changed man. You can take away my house, all my tricks and toys. One thing you can’t take away? I am Iron Man.
Judge Winfrey: Advocate, call your first witness.
Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I call respected character actor Martin Sheen, playing President Bartlet on the acclaimed drama The West Wing.
The spotlight shifts to reveal PRESIDENT SHEEN dressed as President Bartlet, seated at a wooden witness stand.
Lawyer (offering him a newspaper, its sheets folded to reveal a large picture of Marmaduke): Do you solemnly swear?
President Sheen: I do.
Lawyer: Mr. President, do you believe the defendant should be found guilty?
President Sheen: You know, my wife Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I’m upset. Thank you, Mr. Waterson. Twenty-eight years ago I came home from a very bad day at the state house, I tell Abby I’m going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon, put it in reverse, and pull out of the garage full speed. Except I forgot to open the garage door. Abby told me not to drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I’ve ever been in my life. Now I love my family, and I’ve read my Bible cover to cover so I want you to tell me, from what part of holy scripture do you suppose the Proud Boys drew their divine inspiration when they profaned the US Capitol? You’ll denounce these people, Donald. You’ll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. Oprah, show these people out.
Lawyer: Thank you, Mr. President.
Judge Miranda (nodding): We move under cover and we move as one through the night; we have one shot to live another day.
The witness is excused.
Judge Downey, Jr (beginning to chew a stick of gum): Does the defense wish to begin its case?
The spotlight moves to the defense desk, where KANYE WEST is seated next to FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI WEARING A BEAR COSTUME, A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF DONALD TRUMP, and FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD J TRUMP. Kanye rises nervously to his feet.
Kanye West: Watching Jonah Hill in 21 Jump street made me like Jewish people again. No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people.
My client has elected to represent himself. Back to you, Alex.
He sits back down.
Donald J. Trump rises, fuming with anger.
Trump: They're not after me, they're after you. I'm just standing in the way. Anybody attacked and Indicted by the failed District Attorney of Fulton County (Atlanta), or Deranged Jack Smith, will, I assume, & as I will be doing, show how the Presidential Election of 2020 was Rigged and Stollen, the probable reason for your protestation and/or protest. The evidence in Georgia, and Nationally, is both massive and conclusive. The J6 Unselects even illegally destroyed and deleted all findings, evidence, and proof. That fact alone should be reason to drop all charges against!
Judge Miranda (nodding and smiling): You’re like me. I’m never satisfied.
Judge Downey, Jr (chewing his gum loudly): Would the defense like to call its first witness?
Trump sits down without speaking. After a long moment, the spotlight shifts again to the witness stand, where RESPECTED COMEDIC WRITER/ACTOR LARRY DAVID is seated. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it, then smiles sheepishly.
Larry David: I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
After a long silence, Giuliani rises to his feet and advances towards the stand, seemingly a little frightened.
Giuliani (nervously): Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone. It’s great to be here hosting the Trial of Donald J. Trump! Some people, uh, said this could be a big risk for me. Prosecuting the mob is risky! After all, tonight, if I’m not good, what are they gonna do — blow up my car?
But it truly has been a fantastic year. As you know, I was recently re-elected to a second term as Mayor of New York City. Thank you. Thank you. And I’m proud to say that New York is now safer and more liveable than it’s ever been! People are riding the subways again. And they’re walking in the park. In fact, New York is so safe, I’d like to take this moment to officially announce that it is, once again, all right to…hitchhike! That’s right! I’m launching a new campaign designed to get people hitching again, in New York! Finally, New Yorkers can stick a thumb out and get a ride from a stranger again! Just like they could years ago! Now, let’s talk to am excited hitchhiker I picked up on the way over here!
He turns toward Larry David.
Giuliani: In your opinion, should the defendant be found guilty?
Larry David (smiling): You know, I’ve always been obsessed with women. And I have often wondered if I had grown up in Poland when Hitler came to power and was sent to a concentration camp, would I still be checking out women in the camp? I think I would. 'Hey, slo-mo. Slo-mo. Look at that one from Barrack C. Oh my god, is she gorgeous? I have my eye on her for weeks. Yeah. I’d like to go up and say something to her.' Of course, the problem is, there are no good opening lines in a concentration camp. 'How’s it going? They treating you okay? You know, if we ever get out of here, I’d love to take you out for some latkes. Do you like Latkes? Huh? What? What did I say? Is it me or is it the whole thing? It’s coz I’m bald, isn’t it?'
Judge Winfrey (severely): You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on.
Witness is dismissed.
The spotlight abruptly switches to the Lawyer, who has risen to his feet.
Lawyer: Objection! The witness is a dirtbag.
Judge Downey, Jr: Sustained.
Lawyer: Thank you, your honor. Your honor, the prosecution would like to call another witness: Patrick Stewart playing Captain Jean Luc Picard as seen on the television show Star Trek.
Judge Downey, Jr: Sustained.
The spotlight shows PATRICK STEWART wearing a Starfleet uniform.
Lawyer: Captain, do you think the defendant should be found guilty?
Stewart: Mister Worf, villains who wear twirl their moustaches are easy to spot. Those who clothe themselves in good deeds are well camouflaged. He, or someone like him, will always be with us, waiting for the right climate in which to flourish, spreading fear in the name of righteousness. Vigilance, Mister Worf, that is the price we have to continually pay.
Lawyer: Thank you, Captain.
Stewart: You know, there some words I've known since I was a school boy. With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censured, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably. Those words were uttered by Judge Aaron Satie as wisdom and warning. The first time any man's freedom is trodden on, we're all damaged.
Lawyer: Thank you, Captain.
Stewart: We've made too many compromises already. Too many retreats. They win elections and we fall back. They collude with the Russians, and we fall back. Not again! The line must be drawn here, this far, no further! And I will make them pay for what they've done.
Judge Downey, Jr (taking the gum out of his mouth and sticking it onto the dais): I’m sorry, Earth is closed today. You better pack it up and get outta here.
Witness is excused.
Lawyer (bowing): The prosecution rests its case.
Judge Miranda (yawning): I remember that dreamlike candlelight; like a dream that you can’t quite place. Does the defense have any additional evidence to present?
Giuliani and Kanye West start to stand up, but suddenly there appears from behind the red curtain AN ELVIS IMPERSONATOR. He pushes them aside and moves towards the dais. He kneels at Trump's feet.
Elvis: First, I would like to introduce myself. I am Elvis Presley and admire you and have great respect for your office. I talked to vice-president Pence in Palm Springs three weeks ago and expressed my concerns for our country. I call it America and I love it. Sir, I can and will be of any service that I can to help the country out. I have no concerns or motives other than helping the country out..
I believe that you, sir, are one of the top 10 outstanding men of America also. I have a personal gift for you which I would like to present to you and you can accept it or I will keep it for you until you can take it.
There is a long pause, during which soft piano music can be heard in the distance. Finally, Trump smiles and places his hand on Elvis' head, as if blessing him. The impersonator quickly gets up and approaches the dais.
Elvis: Your Honors at this time, if it please the court… I would like to offer a motion. The defense would like to move for a mistrial.
Trump (rising angrily): No, we do not want a mistrial! I do not want a mistrial!
Judge Winfrey (severely): Behave, President Trump. The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.
(turning towards Elvis) On what grounds, Counselor?
Elvis: On the grounds that one of the panel has already prejudged the outcome of this trial and determined the guilt of the defendant.
Judge Downey, Jr: That’s a very serious charge, Mr. Presley. Which judge?
Elvis: That would be you, Iron Man. And to prove it, I need to take the unusual step of calling Mr. Lee Adama to the stand.
Judge Winfrey: What?
The spotlight shifts to show LEE ADAMA, as played by actor Jamie Bamber, seated on the dais.
Elvis (smiling): Why do you believe that the defendant, Donald J. Trump, deserves to be acquitted?
Lee: Well, because the evidence does not support the charges.
(raising his voice) Did the defendant make mistakes? Sure, he did. Serious mistakes. But did he actually commit any crimes? Did he commit treason? No. I mean, it was an impossible situation. When Biden won the election, what could he possibly do? If he had conceded the election, he would have lost clout, donation money, followers on Twitter! So did he appear to cooperate with bad people? Sure. So did hundreds of others. What’s the difference between him and them? Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey worked with Harvey Weinstein on the movie The Butler and promoted controversial medium John of God. She was forgiven. Hilary Clinton hid classified documents. Forgiven. George W. Bush invaded Iraq and caused the death of millions of civilians and sanctioned the torture of prisoners. Forgiven. Cillian Murphy made the atom bomb and supported the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Forgiven. Alexander Hamilton was responsible for the violent suppression of the Whiskey Rebellion. Forgiven. Tony Stark and Captain America? They helped blow up New York. Forgiven. Han Solo? He shot first! Forgiven. Hunter Biden made millions off his father's name. Forgiven. Bill Gates had Jeffrey Epstein murdered and then bragged about it on the PBS News Hour. Forgiven. Lyndon Johnson had JFK assassinated by aliens. Forgiven.
I’d say we’re very forgiving of mistakes. We make our own laws now, our own justice. We’ve been pretty creative at finding ways to let people off the hook for everything from theft to murder. And we’ve had to be. Because…because we’re not a civilization anymore. We are a gang. And we’re on the run. And we have to fight to survive. We have to break rules. We have to bend laws. We have to improvise. But not this time, no. Not this time. Not for Donald Trump. No. You, you have to be punished. You have to be punished, because…well, because we don’t like you very much. Because you’re arrogant. Because you’re weak. Because you’re a coward. And we the mob, we want to throw you out the airlock because you didn’t concede the election. That’s justice now. You should’ve been cancelled back in New York, but since you had the temerity to win the election in 2016, we’re gonna cancel you now. That’s justice!
The jury, crowd, and judges all applaud, rising to their feet and cheering for nearly five minutes. Then they go silent the spotlight abruptly shifts back to Donald Trump.
Trump (bowing): The defense rests its case, your honors.
There is a long pause. The spotlight shifts to the corner of the stage, to reveal a harp player playing soft music.
Judge Winfrey: Both counsels have presented their cases. What is the jury's verdict?
The spotlight reveals the jury, who stand up together as one, raising their hands towards the sky.
Jury (shouting): Sic transit gloria mundi!
The spotlight goes out, leaving only the three judges lit by the red beam.
Judge Downey, Jr (turning his head): What do we think, fellas?
Judge Miranda: Guilty.
Judge Winfrey: Guilty.
Judge Downey, Jr: Guilty.
An alarm rings. The yellow lights overhead go off, and red searchlight beams come on, engulfing everything. Soldiers in camouflage holding submachine guns appear from behind the curtain, while others rappel down from the balcony. They form a cordon around Trump and begin leading him away towards the back of the stage. Giuliani, Elvis, and Kanye all stand respectfully to one side. A soldier pauses and shoots Trump's cardboard cut-out in the head. The crowd is cheering and screaming and laughing and shouting in anger all at once, and some audience members begin charging the edge of the stage, where the soldiers have set up a barrier.
Judge Miranda: We won!
Judge Downey, Jr.: We won!
Judge Winfrey: We won!
All three judges rise.
Judges (in unison): President Trump...you're fired.
The crowd goes wild, charging the soldiers and throwing stones. Shots are fired. There is fire in the seating area. Trump is led away towards the curtain at the rear of the stage, his head bowed impassively.
All at once, a laugh track plays piercingly loud, drowning out the sirens and silencing the crowd. A woman dressed as the statue of the liberty appears abruptly on stage, seemingly lifted up by a trap-door in the floor. The lamp she carries also burns red, and is piercingly bright, blinding everyone and freezing them in place.
Trump takes the opportunity to wrench his arm free and turn back toward the stage. He speaks to the statue of liberty.
Trump: Go back to hell where you came from, you old warthog!
The soldiers grab his arms and lead him away. As he disappears behind the curtain, the red lights go out, and all goes dark. As it does so, the voice of Elvis can be heard.
Voice: Thy hand, great Anarch, lets the curtain fall.
And universal darkness buries all.
Silence. A white title card, reading:
THE END
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